You Absolutely Should Put Your Dreams Before Diapers
Why waiting to have children is the most selfless act
Every time someone tells me they’re pregnant, I cry.
Like… from sadness.
I’m not trying to conceive, by the way. I’m actively trying not to conceive. I’m thirty-three and married to a literal walking earth angel of a human. Why would I not be trying to get pregnant?
We used to not want children, like, at all. Before our relationship became serious, it was a thing that we agreed on and joked about being the cool aunt and uncle (which we totally are now, btw). We both liked kids just fine and thought that procreating was one of those things that sounded good in theory. But in practice? It seemed pretty scary and difficult and crazy and wild, and we didn’t understand how people decide to start families, considering all of these things.
But as time went on and we both became completely and utterly in love with our nephew, we became more and more open to the idea of having kids… one day.
I’ve wanted to be successful for as long as I can remember. As a child, while watching an episode of Clueless, I formulated a business plan for how I would start making and selling modern hand muffs. Amber was wearing one, and it looked so effin cool. I cannot, for the life of me, find a photo, so I’m beginning to think that I made the whole thing up now, but I swear I didn’t. I was so excited to start my hand muff business, but then my mother reminded me that I didn’t know how to sew or run a business, nor did I have any money for materials.
In my senior year of high school, our English teacher had us create personalized yearbooks. I remember writing that one day I’d become a talk show host. I was obsessed with The Tyra Show and watched it every day. When I was nineteen, I discovered YouTube makeup tutorials and started my own channel and beauty blog. Then I went to an internationally-known school to become a makeup artist.
I started my first business at twenty years old–a boudoir and pinup photography business where I did the hair and makeup and my partner did the photography and styling. We were in over our heads, and after a while of feeling like I was being irresponsible with my life, I went and got a “normal job” in the beauty industry where I worked on the retail side. I hated my life—and schedule—for a decade. Never having a weekend off, never traveling outside of the US. When I did have time off, I wasted it disassociating and getting drunk. My entrepreneurial dreams were out the window. But at least I had health insurance and a 401k.
Being out of work during the pandemic, I found myself physically ill over the idea of going back to my beauty job, so my venture into the world of online business began. What started as a dating blog called “Can’t Get a Text Back” evolved into me becoming certified as a dating coach. I experienced TikTok fame and virality—and all the trolls and hate that came with it. I was a guest on many podcasts and even got approached to film a reality show that never came to fruition.
If you’re thinking I was making lots of cash, you thought wrong. In my first year, I made $97. I won’t go into all of the drama, scams, and eerie parallels between the coaching industry and MLMs here—I do that in my other publication if you want to read about it. But, what I will tell you is that I found myself going deeper and deeper into debt year after year. I invested more and more time and money into being a successful digital entrepreneur with not much to show for it.
Okay, Kristina… what does this have to do with makin’ babies?
Aside from my honeymoon, I haven’t seen much of the world. I feel unsettled in my career. I haven’t found the tiniest smidge of the success I’m after. How in the world could I ever be a present, devoted, and grateful mother when I’m filled with resentment over the things I haven’t experienced?
I grew up with a single mom. She was divorced with two babies by the time she was twenty-seven. My dad was a deadbeat and absent after I turned seven, so she did it all on her own. She gave us everything and was happy to do so, but she put her life on hold.
Things were different back then, and she was thrilled to get away from her strict father to get married at twenty-one, but she didn’t travel. She didn’t create. The last time she visited her birthplace in Italy was when she was fourteen. She’s intelligent, well-read, creative, and wise. Sometimes I feel heartbroken for her, thinking about the life she might’ve lived without us.
Maybe it sounds selfish, putting a career and success before a family. But, to me, a happy mother is the most important thing you can give to your children. I am not naive enough to think that anyone feels 100% ready to have kids or that I wouldn’t be filled with more love than I know what to do with. Sure, I can travel and pursue a career with children, but let’s not pretend that I wouldn’t be a resentful, exhausted, pissed-off mom.
I want to live abroad for a year.
I want to publish a book.
I want to do a TED Talk.
I want to get into really good shape.
I want to go on a yoga retreat and maybe even become a yoga teacher.
I want to build a business that runs itself so I can raise my kids and not rely on childcare.
I want to do so much. I have so many dreams. I don’t need to do all of this before kids, but some of it would be nice.
But my eggs, are they dying? After witnessing multiple friends face infertility, IVF, and multiple procedures, I can’t help but wonder about my own fertility. My biological clock is accompanied by my success clock, my travel clock, and the worry that my husband may wake up one day and decide that now is the time to start trying, and if I’m still not ready, he’ll have to start looking elsewhere.
He’s never pressured me, but what if he gets tired of waiting? It would be a disservice to the world if I didn’t make this man a father. Truly. He would heal years of ancestral trauma and raise the most well-adjusted children.
I know that I would be a better, happier, healthier mom if I felt 50% better about my life than I do now. In my opinion, it’s worth waiting to be a better parent, even if that means risking the possibility of never being one. Because, in my opinion, having children is not about me; it's about them. So to me, that’s selfless.
I wish I felt ready now, but I don’t.
So when someone tells me they’re pregnant, I cry.
yes, yes, and yes! i'm so afraid of getting pregnant, and i always felt this way, because my mother got pregnant as a teenager. pregnancy and having kids is scary as hell, and as someone who had toxic/abusive parents who traumatized me, i know how a parent can damage a child. i'm getting close to 30 and i'm still not sure if i'll ever want kids, and i'm fine with that. it sucks that society views us as selfish and as less than a woman who has kids, but i'm at a point in my life where i don't care anymore. i don't care anymore about my family asking me when i'll get married and have kids, or if they'll be disappointed with me not having kids. and it feels great! being depressed for most of my life, all i want to do is live life to the fullest. being successful means the world to me, i can relate a lot to how you feel about that, about all the things you want to do... i'm living proof that a miserable mother is the worst possible thing that can happen to a child, my mother never wanted me but was forced to have me, and the consequences of that were 27 years of trauma and depression for her child. i think more women should talk about that, it's so important!
This hits me in all my feels — and so much of it resonates very deeply. My only lifeline in this conversation / whole being a multidimensional person tied to a ticking clock is to trust my gut (even if it's not the status quo thinking) and believe that if I do that, it will all work out the way it's meant to. 🖤🖤🖤